because sometimes you won't
by matchboxcars
Summary: She could barely stand the brutality of his repressed sorrow Spock, childhood, more of a focus on amanda, please review
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not Mine

_"To eight people she had said relentlessly that and the bill for the lighthouse would be fifty pounds. For that reason, knowing what was before them--love and ambition and being wretched alone in dreary places--she had often the feeling, Why must they grow up and lose it all? And then she said to herself, brandishing her sword at life, Nonsense. They will be perfectly happy." __Virginia Woolf  
_

She wondered about his eyes. Not their health, not their color, but their composition.

For they were composed of freezing Vulcan nights and the cacophony of yelling voices calling him things he would not repeat to her when he returned from school.

Watching him now, his eyes locked on his harp teacher, his small hands mimicking movements and dancing of their own volition, she wondered about his eyes.

They would never be so happy as now, as when he was almost alone, and warm, with no one reminding him that he was not normal, that he was not accepted, or even wanted.

And has he bid his teacher goodbye, and came to stand next to her, his head barely reaching her hip, she knew that already his reverie was splitting in the middle, a fault line barraging into his soul from memory, from the unwanted emotion it invoked.

She could barely stand the brutality of his repressed sorrow.

When Sarek returned, he entered the house to Amanda and the little Vulcan hybrid that was his son, sitting on the couch, and Amanda's voice quietly reverberating around the room,

"Except when you don' t  
Because, sometimes, you won't.

And he looked at the small child, with some amount of disdain, he was really quite regrettable.

He took more of Amanda's time than he had calculated He took what Sarek had wanted most from Amanda, her time, her presence, her energy.

Sarek found himself increasingly exhausted by the mere absence of his wife over the past few years. Yes, his son was most regrettable. And yet, he found that he was also necessary, that he would not longer find peace without him. He must make the effort to be more kind.

Spock saw his father enter as a dragon far too big to slay, and yet, as the child cast his wide eyes upon the man, he found himself wishing to take on the task, to stab him through the heart. His father looked too deploringly at his mother, he was loud without words and far too overbearing. Spock very much wanted his father to die.

"All Alone!  
Whether you like it or not,  
Alone will be something  
you'll be quite a lot."

Amanda sighed. There was the quiet, there was the still, but where was the calm? The crushing pressure was not from Spock, no, he had taken to looking down, folding his hands and sitting very, very straight. He was abashed.

No, it was not Spock, it was Sarek, who was, as he would often do in his desperation for her presence, imploring her with his very presence.  
He was pushing her and asking her and begging her to be with him.

Amanda shut her eyes for a brief second. There was the quiet, there was the still, she must now find the calm. She stood, pressed her fingers to Sarek's, patted her son on the head,

"What a day you must have had, my husband"

Spock sat, very silent, very straight, very alone. He sat like that until he was called for dinner, until his mother's voice reminded him that he was alive, he had a name, and a body, and that there were rules, and that he must not, under any circumstances, feel. He glanced at the page that had been left, nude, in front of him.

"Except when you don' t  
Because, sometimes, you won't."

quoted rhymes are those of Dr.Seuss from "Oh the places you will go"


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Please review!! ok, now that thats over, I thought I would skip ahead a few years, and so, this part takes place right after Journey to Babel. lemme know what you think.

"He has a friend" had been her only thought when she saw the way her son interacted with Kirk.  
Somehow that made her trembling stop, the tremors that had been vibrating within her for years from worry for her son. He had always resided in the dark and unwanted corners of loneliness.

Sarek had left her once again with captain Kirk, returning to his cabin to rest. Little had changed between father and son, except now they spoke

But Amanda saw no difference, there was still a titanium iceberg between them that kept them apart. Sarek had such intense passion, Spock was so afraid. She felt no relief at the fact that they had managed to speak to each other again, it changed very little, certainly not the past. Spock had been a child; children have memories that outlive those of elephants. Children keep them in their eyes until they meet the world, and then they hide them their voices so carefully that only their mother's can hear them saying, "he was not there, I often felt he had no wish to be near me at all." She remembers Spock's eyes, his silence and posture. She remembers the pressure that came down upon him when Sarek was near, her husband's possessiveness taking her away from him, again and again. Poor abandoned child. She found herself thinking that life was full of abandonment, and harshness and the dullness that comes from getting what you want. "But no", she scolded herself, "he has a friend, he is alright, he has this James man, he is happy."

She saw them together when she went with Sarek for dinner. They were huddled in a corner, Kirk was laughing, his ever-human posture stretched back and open, vulnerable. Spock's shoulders were no longer at his ears, he looked, though pale (He had not regained full blood levels), relaxed, content. Amanda had not known she was holding breath captive until it rushed from her, and she sighed.

Sarek watched her watch his son. Her son. He was tired, but he supposed that compared to being dead, fatigue was very little of a nuisance. His son, it appeared, had a friend in his captain. Amanda was relieved. He could not imagine the trials of human motherhood, all the worry and energy that is put into children, the ache she felt when he left, he had not acknowledged it in words, but he had watched her, felt her loss, ignored his own. His son was indeed remarkable. A remarkable mind, excellent finesse, far better logic than anyone thought he would achieve. Yes, his son was remarkable. And yet, try as he might, Sarek could not rid himself of the coldness, the neutrality he felt towards his son. He wanted very much to love him, wanted very much, for once, say, "you honor me" or "you have done well, achieved much", but he could not. So when he met Spock's eye from across the room, he simply nodded, and felt within an anger, the gesture had been stiff and useless. Amanda was frustrated with him, he knew. He must find away to express, to flow in and out of the presence of his son without his muscles tightening and his passions overtaking him. He must learn to change.

Spock met his father's gaze, felt its ice, but dared to double back and try again. Sarek had his person turned, he could only see the sliver of his eye and the curve of his back. But it was enough, and Spock realized, as he recognized his father's anger at himself for his lack of expression, that this was not a dark and dreary place, there was no waiting, he had family, he had love. Turning back to Kirk, he nodded,

"Yes, I fear I must agree that I have very little trust in medical officer's other than our ever emotional Dr. McCoy." And James laughed, and Spock, very carefully, very slowly, let a tiny smile grace the eyes of his captain."


End file.
